As Dr. Harville Hendrix, a leading expert on relationships, says, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” I didn’t understand that for years. My childhood was one of emotional neglect, chaos and pain. My mother, struggling with her own mental illness, left me feeling unloved and unwanted. In my earliest years, I learned how to survive, to dissociate from my feelings, and to create emotional armor. What I didn’t realize was that I would carry that same armor into my relationships as an adult, choosing men who, like my mother, were emotionally unavailable or abusive.

It’s common for those of us raised in traumatic environments to recreate those conditions in adulthood. Why? Because, as painful as it sounds, the dysfunction feels familiar. According to psychologist Dr. Judith Sills, we are unconsciously drawn to what we know, even if it’s toxic. The brain craves familiarity, so we often choose partners who reflect the patterns of our past, hoping to somehow “fix” the unresolved wounds.

It wasn’t until after the death of my grandmother—the one person who loved me unconditionally—that I found the courage to leave my first abusive husband. But even then, the cycle continued. I remarried, and though I focused on being a loving mother to my two daughters, my second marriage was another failure. It wasn’t until much later, after endless heartbreak, that I truly began to face the raw truth: the common thread in all these experiences was me. I was the one choosing these men, and I was the one who had to break the cycle.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a brutal, beautiful process. I had to confront the unhealed trauma from my childhood, recognize how it influenced my choices, and finally start to believe that I deserved more. This was the hardest part—to believe that I was worthy of real, healthy love. But I did it, and you can, too.

If you’re stuck in a pattern of unhealthy relationships, know this: you are not doomed to repeat history. But breaking free requires more than just leaving an abusive partner. It demands that you do the hard, internal work to heal the wounds that keep you locked in this cycle.

Here’s what helped me:

1. Self-Reflection: Take an honest look at your past. Understand the roots of your pain and how they are influencing your present. This reflection helped me connect the dots between my childhood trauma and the men I chose. Journaling can be an effective tactic.
2. Therapy: I didn’t start therapy until after I escaped my first abusive marriage, but I wish I had done it sooner. Therapy helped me confront my patterns of dissociation and taught me how to process my emotions in real time, rather than stuffing them away.
3. Self-Worth: You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn, but it’s crucial. Start by speaking kindly to yourself. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. As Dr. Brené Brown says, “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
4. Faith: My spiritual faith has been my anchor through all the darkest days. Even when I lost my husband and soulmate in a tragic accident and faced life-threatening health issues, my faith in God gave me the strength to keep going, to believe that there was a purpose in my pain.

Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Breaking free from destructive patterns isn’t easy. It’s messy, painful, and takes time. But every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory.

The cycle stops when you decide it does. It took me decades to fully understand that I held the power to change my life, and I hope that you don’t wait as long as I did.  Remember, that at any age, the choice is all yours to make.  You are worthy of love, safety and happiness. But first, you have to believe it. You have to break the chains of your past by confronting the pain head-on.

I’m here to remind you that you can rewrite your story. Who else better to be your own life author. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying it’s possible. You have the power to choose yourself, to heal, and to create a future that doesn’t mirror the pain of your past. I’m living proof of that.

If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist, certified coach or support group. Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to walk it alone. You are enough, exactly as you are. It’s time to live your best life—because you deserve it.